So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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