I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
