I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
