get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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