I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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