what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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