I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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