Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
