Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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