stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I supernannyed him into submission
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
