I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
