Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
