pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
