Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
as a side note pls kill me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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