The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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