im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
