Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
