They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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