Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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