dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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