I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
