I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
