I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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