Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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