You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we're making bets on your personal life
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
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I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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