So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
