Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
