Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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