I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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