all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
