Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
