He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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