Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's never too late to be topless.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
