Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
