This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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