you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
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You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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