i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you will always have a special place in my vag
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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