just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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