I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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