Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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