dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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