He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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