I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
