I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.