The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
