after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
