If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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