3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
