"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
