Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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