Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
