I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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