you would pick up someone in the library
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
