the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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