Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
